POP MISC - Breakaway from the Oreos.

I was waiting for American Idol to come on, and I turned on the TV prematurely to catch all the insane tabloid TV shows.

Your Access Hollywood. Your Extra. Your Entertainment Tonight. All rubbish.

When it was close to American Idol time, ET previewed what they were going to have on tomorrow's program.

In this preview was an exclusive interview with the one, the only, Tonya Harding.

Now, generally an interview with an Olympian who hit rock-bottom wouldn't grab my attention. That is until I saw what she looks like now.

Here's how you know her:



and here's how you don't know her:



Meet the new and improve...just new Tonya "Knee-bender" Harding.

This had me thinking. What sort of presence does she have online?

I learned quickly that she's now boxing as a sport. Then I checked her official website, tonyaharding.com, to find nothing but her figure skating "glory days" photographs when she was still looking petite. No Hundred-Dollar-Baby action here. Just pretty pictures of chic white trash livin'.

It was when I went to the "Movies" section that I felt compelled to tell the world about my adventure into psycho-dom.

I introduce to you a clip from her blockbuster movie, Breakaway.




Let me "break you in" and tell you how this movie probably arrived at this scene (I say "probably" because I was not privileged enough to see this entire work of art).

Gina (Tonya Harding) sets up a meeting with a dealer by phone to exchange money for drugs. She does not let the dealer know her identity over the phone, and tells him to meet her at an abandoned warehouse where it would be very discreet, and cheap to film a horrible movie. She tells the dealer she will be wearing an brown trenchcoat, lavendar smock, Freddy Krueger hat, and sensible nurse shoes.

Not suspecting a thing, the dealer agrees.

It's an hour later, and she arrives at the warehouse.





In a swift, "log rolling down a catwalk" fashion, the trench coat comes off.



"Hmm, she looks confrontational, but I won't shoot until I'm certain..."



"That hat is so...obstructive of my view."



"OMG! It's goddamn Tonya Harding! And her neck has grown to Hulk proportions!"



"...But she's still just too far away for me to get a good shot..."

And now for the BEST part of this sequence:



I heard they flew in the wire team from The Matrix to pull off that clumsy double-kick combo. I would have made a larger animated GIF, but my computer couldn't handle the AWESOMENESS.



WORST FIGHTING STANCE EVER.



I could have went my whole life without seeing that.



So the guy is kicked down the staircase in typical action movie fashion, but was it really necessary to have him fall down 2 flights?



"Oh, lookie that - another flight of stairs! Might as well finish what I started..."



"Wheee!"



Somehow I believe that these guys aren't going to get to use their weapons either. Blanks just aren't in the budget. Only Olympian failures and poorly-skilled stuntmen.

Watch the movie clip in full for yourself (it's the first link).

There's other clips there that will probably also make you laugh/smirk/cringe.

You can also visit the offical website of the movie, which is - and I didn't think this was possible - more out-of-date than Tonya herself.

Somewhere out there I can hear Nancy Kerrigan's knee popping with sheer delight.

POP MUSIC - Come On Electronic Performers.

The following bands need to get out of their audio-challenged caves and put out a new album:

Air.
Daft Punk.
Portishead.
Aphex Twin. (This guy has little to no online presence right now. WTF!? to put it lightly.)

Of all 4, it's Portishead that really has to put their act together.

In case you haven't heard, Portishead are INDEED not broken up, never have broken up, and are working on a new album.

Give me a morsel, dammit! I need just a MORSEL!

That is all.

PERS - What the hell.

A new look for the new year.

It's flashier.

It's brighter.

It's gawdy...er.

Enjoy!

POP MISC - Harper's Bizarre.

Well, the Canada Election is over.

It was a tight race for a small portion of the night, but Stephen Harper - as predicted - became our 22nd prime minister.

The only positive is that it's only a minority government, and if they try anything radical, they will most likely have their asses handed to them.

I'll be waiting for it.

Oh, and is it just me, or does Peter MacKay look like Don Flamenco from Mike Tyson's Punch-Out?



That's totally insane. In the membrane. It's insane in the brain.

POP MISC - VOTE.

Make sure you get out there and vote, y'all.

January 23rd is the date, you find the place, and participate in the race.

Paul Martin - www.liberal.ca
Jack Layton - www.ndp.ca
Gilles Duceppe - www.bloc.org

And that other party.

Y'know, the one that thinks Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church.

(Feel free to use my above graphic (as is) for your own personal use. Link back to me if ya nasty.)

POP MISC - The HOT political race.

As Canadians, we must get out there and vote on the 23rd of January.

With this said, I thought I would really look deep down into the strategies of each political party and give my solid opinions. Whether you're thinking Liberal, Conservative, NDP or Bloc Quebecois, you need to know what matters to Canada.

...But before all that boring stuff, it's time to have my first ever

CANADA ELECTION 2006 WHO'S HOT? COMPETITION!!!

This is what the election boils down to: superficial opinions based only on physical appearance.

I will judge photos that follow these 2 simple rules:

1. The party leader cannot be wearing a suit. Suits give the illusion of better looks, a better form, and I am not looking for professionalism. Obviously.
2. Sports jackets and casual business shirts are also not allowed. Polos are acceptable as long as no sports jacket is worn.

LET THE COMPETITION BEGIN!

COMPETITOR #1: PAUL MARTIN



I will start with this photo because, oddly enough, for a guy who had the most images indexed by Google, this was the only acceptable photo for this competition. It's too bad for Martin that he just put his finger in a light socket seconds before this photo was taken. I have a few tips for future public appearances:

1. Use some sort of hair product for control under windy conditions.
2. If your face is going to look that blotchy in cold weather, maybe you should invest in a parka to cover your tomatoey face.
3. Is that a dish towel?
4. Dish towels do not make good scarves.

The competition has just begun, and so far, it isn't looking good.

COMPETITOR #2: JACK LAYTON



OK now. Here's a guy who's controlled his hair outdoors, and wears my favourite colour. Sure, it's the colour of his party, but I love orange. Major points for that.

I've never been a fan of the moustache, I think he could survive without one.



Hmm, something about this doesn't look right. Maybe he needs more than just a moustache...



Hot. Like "Kenny Rogers guest starring on Star Trek" hot.

Actually, now that I've completed my experiments, I'd say the balding w/ moustache look is probably his best bet.

But what would make him look better?



Ahh yes, of course. A picture with his (also political) wife, who looks very unimpressed. And not prepared for any sort of photography. Brilliant.

I think we may have a winner.

...what's that?

Oh yeah, there's two more competitors waiting for their turn.

COMPETITOR #3: STEPHEN HARPER




Yuck.



Manboobs.



Oh thank you Mr. Harper. Sure, I'll take some of that. After I puke forever. I don't even want to guess what that topping is. I know what you're thinking, and that is just sick. But not nearly as sick as what I'm thinking right now. Think of the most inappropriate, politically incorrect thing I could possibly say about this photo. Yup, that's what I'm thinking.



Props for trying to get the gay population to vote for you by bringing out your best Boy George look.



I'm still not voting for you.

And last but not least:

COMPETITOR #4: GILLES DUCEPPE



I know what you're saying: The guy's wearing a suit! That totally breaks my rules.

But this just isn't any photograph. This is a gem I landed on through my many Google searches.

Why is it such a gem?

Well, aside from the fact that he's wearing a nice stylish suit, this was close to the actual size of the photograph.



I'm not kidding. Take a look for yourself. If you have a dialup modem, I will pray for you.

Now anyone who has a photo this big on their official website has to be a guy who's very conscious of his physical appearane.

Then I typed in their official website address and checked out their stuff. That's when I came upon this:



Wow. This fine photo comes right from the front page. The guy is so sassy french cool, that he wears an ascot smack-dab on the front page of his party's website.

Why aren't all the other party leaders wearing the man-sexy ascot? This makes Gilles the style maven of Canadian politics. That's right, just with that one beautiful blue ascot.

After this amazing discovery, I came to the conclusion that the only way I'm going to make this competition fair is by having a

SEXY FRANCAIS COOL ASCOT-OFF!!



I guess the ascot doesn't work that well with everyone. This makes Martin look like a pompous asshole. Not sexy cool at all.



Jack Layton knows how to work the ascot. It compliments his bald head, and makes going bald more stylish, as opposed to gut-wrenchingly horrifying.



Yuck.



Now it is time to choose the winner.

Coming in fourth place with a face for radio, and a voice that sounds best on mute:



Mr. Women's Choices on Ice Cream, Stephen Harper! (That's right, I went there.)

3rd place, with his blotchy face and dish towel chic:



Pompous Paul Martin!



...We have a very close race between Jack Layton and Gilles Duceppe, but I can assure you folks, it is NOT a tie!


Taking the gold medal for best physical appearance for 2006 is




Drum Roll Please...








GILLES DUCEPPE!!

Seriously, he might not be as good looking in the face as Jack Layton, but he knows how to dress his Jiminy Cricket body.



And so ends the CANADA ELECTION 2006 WHO'S HOT? COMPETITION.

Who do you think should have won?

PERS - A Strongly Worded Letter...

Dear City of Fredericton,

I am so infuriated right now that if I didn't have to travel to work, I'd be at your doorstep with steam spewing out of my crevasses.

I'm sad to report that I'm not gold-winning medalist Elvis Stojko. I'm not a fish or any sea-living creature either. If I were, I'd be able to navigate your treacherous sidewalks.

I'm not talking about the immediate downtown, although I've had days on Queen Street where I was convinced that crawling on all fours was my only option to get from point A to B. I'm talking about Needham Street. I'm talking about Carlton Street. I'm talking about the cemetery path cutting through Carlton.

Your plowing machines - when they finally come around - do an incredibly sad-ass job of clearing a path. The large amounts of snow left turns to slush, which turns to ice, which turns to a frictionless and dangerous surface.

I was sliding my way to work (walking was out of the question) when I fell on my back and right arm after exiting the cemetery at Brunswick Street. After successfully avoiding traffic at the intersection, I managed to get back up again. Thankfully, I'm 24(albeit with a back condition). If I were 74, I would have broken a rib, a hip and an arm, or all of the above, because of your negligence.

You might be asking, "Why not take a cab if the sidewalks are sooo bad?"

Well, thanks to Fredericton's abysmal job market, I can't afford such luxuries. I have to travel 5 days a week by bus to a call center on the north side. Those minimum wage janitor and dishwasher jobs on the Government job bank do sound like glamorous positions, though. I do give you props for keeping your citizens dead broke; broke both in empty pockets, and in bones.

Do us pedestrians a favour and keep our sidewalks clean. We pay our taxes, we buy your goods to hold up your economy. We use your transit, cutting down the amounts of pollution in the air. The least you could do is make sure that when we are trying hard to make it to work every day to pay for all these things that you hold up your part of the bargain and keep your paths clear.

Or you could offer free skates and skating lessons so I can triple-axel my ass to King's Place.