POP TV - Laxative TV.

[Edited August 31st]

I really had difficulty watching this week's performance episode of Canadian Idol. Not because I had explosive diarrhrea, but because it was 97% corny and pointless. Until tonight, I never imagined I would ever pray for being stricken with explosive diarrhea.

Here's the deal: I don't mind Elvis music. I've listened to his massive catalog of music, and I know what songs would be great to showcase talent. Elvis had hit a lot of amazingly high notes.

However, not one contestant chose any of those songs.

Instead, they went for the cheesy, overplayed songs that everyone has heard so many times that they have become iconic to Elvis and loved/hated. Thus, the hard-to-swallow schmaltz ran strong throughout the entire show.

Aaron Walpole set off the first bomb by performing a song that showed no vocal talent. He was to later follow up that song with another abysmal attempt to bring people to tears. Instead, it brought blood to my ears.

Suzi Rawn then took the stage with her finest Prince uniform, complete with ruffles, soldier jacket, and sculpted moustache.

Ok, so there was no moustache involved. This week she finally realized the benefits of Nair.

Her second performance, sad to say (not sad at all), was awful. Her arrangement was interesting; it's a shame she couldn't sing one note of it properly.

Melissa O'Neil...I hope people will still vote for you because I think you are the one to win this competition. However, tonight's combined with last week's performance may be the final nail to your coffin. You've got a great voice, I'd rather you be touring around Canada with a band for a while, and not performing at the grand opening of Quizno's in Minto.

Who am I kidding? The winner of Canadian Idol has the inevitable fate of singing "Start Me Up" in front of newly opened Quizno's across the country.

Just ask this to Ryan Malcolm after you've informed him you wish to omit cheese from your sub, but you would enjoy a hot pepper on the side.

I've never wanted something more
And I've never felt so sure
Cause now I've got this chance to be...
...a complete dick to Ryan Malcolm.

[Edit August 31st]

I totally forgot to mention Rex Goudie in this recap yesterday. My brain clearly was trying to erase all memory of his second performance. The entire thing was incredibly pitchy and very hard to watch. He sang the first song fairly well. There must have been some sort of incident involving water between performances.

[End Edit]

Outside the contestants' performances, did you notice that Zack was in an entirely black outfit, while Jake, on the opposite end, was in white? I know what you're thinking: this is obviously symbolizing that Jake is the good guy, and Zack's stylist is a talentless douchebag.

SASSQWATCH UPDATE!!

Case and point why Sass Jordan should not be a judge: After Melissa O'Neil finished her rendition of "A Little Less Conversation" (which, by the way, was Junkie XL's version of the Elvis song of the same name), Sass raved at how enjoyable and impressive the performance was, and yet at the very end of the comments said she sang the entire song off key. Does this not cancel out anything she just said? I'm pretty convinced that at this point the Canadian public has already cancelled out anything Sass ever said or released as "music".

It's at times like this that we have to try as hard as we can to focus on the positive. I can proudly say that on the upside, there was no live band tonight, which - unlike previous weeks - prevented any of the contestants from giving anyone on-stage a rusty trombone.

What did you all think of this week's show?

POP TV - You and your beady little eyes.

A tearful farewell to a dedicated performer...

Ernie "Mr. Dressup" Coombs 1927-2001

...Oh, Casey LeBlanc? SEE YA BEYOTCH!

Well, the truth is that I don't have much to say about this week's Canadian Idol.

You would think I would, considering Nackawic Nitwit Casey LeBlanc was obliterated out of the competition. Or that Josh left the week before, after his wildly embarrassing performance. And I was kidding about the "beyotch" comment. I like Casey. Her Oscar speech at the end of the night was actually uplifting. I just know that some of you out there appreciate her being called a bitchy ho. She began to pop her pruny head out of her shell, and the Canadian public just kicked it right back in. On the upside, Finnigan will always be there to flip his ears around and refuse to speak. God, Finnigan was an anti-social asshole. It's amazing that I grew up to like pets.

Anyway, aside from that, nope, I don't have much else to say.

SASSQWATCH UPDATE!!

This just in! Sass Jordan still hasn't proven her validity to the world. Although when she attempted to take away Suzi Rawn's steam by singing American Woman over her, she proved that she can sing like a Vietnamese prostitute can do your taxes.

POP TV - Post Brunt.

So let's face it.

Last night's show wasn't that great. Melissa did an amazing performance, Casey came out of her shell a bit, Aaron picked the worst song he could, the bass guitarist received way too much camera time, and Josh made an erotic guitarist sandwich.

Whoa, wait. What the hell was Josh thinking? That was the most embarrassing scene of the entire season. Yes, even more embarrassing than Sloppytits. Couldn't the guitarist just hand the guitar over? Why did it have to involve an obviously uncomfortable embrace? I'd ask Josh myself, but I'd be afraid he wouldn't shut up.

Here's a quick run down of the performances:

Melissa "I deserve to win" O'Neil - Wow. She did absolutely fantastic. Performance of the night, and since she went first, it made for a rather disappointing show.

Rex "Pizza after midnight" Goudie - 15% screaming, 80% acknowledging the band while singing off-key, 5% on-key.

Suzi "I'm a PUNK, BLEAUAHH!" Rawn - I'm really growing tired of Suzi. Same shit, different night. She should be eliminated this week, and if she isn't, she should show us how she can adapt to a genre, instead of depending on the same antics to get a result. I know, this week was Rock night, which pretty much gives her a license to continue in that fashion, but you know when it's Disco Night or Love Ballad night, she'll still be headbanging.

Casey "Dutch Elm Disease" LeBlanc - I'll admit, she did seem more comfortable this time around, which could be due to the progress of the show, or a gusty wind blew across the stage.

Aaron "Blecch" Walpole - "Hot Blooded" while wearing a Karate Kid t-shirt?? This will be the song selection that will no doubt put him in the Bottom 3, possibly getting him eliminated.

Josh "Embarrassment to Society" Palmer - Oh. My. God. Why why why why why? I can just hear what the guitarist was thinking: "My career is over. My career is over. Why did I agree to this? And what is poking into my back? ...Oh god. Oh god. Just close your eyes, this will all be over soon."

Oh, and last but not least, let me thank the band one by one, because every goddamn person on the planet seems to be doing it.

Why didn't the flutist get the same respect last week?

What did you think?

POP TV - Jump in under the waterfall and climb the rainbow tree.

I just watched an episode of Popcultured (on the Comedy Network) and on it was an interview with Daryl Brunt, the most recent eliminated contestant from Canadian Idol.

I'm sure it was a rerun, it probably was on the night after the show.

Nonetheless, he was very quiet and usual self, although at times he was able to keep up with Elvira Kurt's humourous comments. Much of the interview reminded me of those interviews that daytime talkshow hosts have with little children. The host speaks for 95% of the interview in a desperate attempt to get the guest to murmur a word.

At one point, Elvira was trying to rile up Brunt, and said "I never see you angry, I'd like to see you angry." To which Daryl gave a frown to the camera, curled his lips and said "You don't want to see me angry."

Let's just say Daryl Brunt quoting The Hulk was nothing but adorable.

Then Elvira asked if the rumours were true that there was heroin available at the Idol Mansion...Daryl just said "We keep that on the down-low."

Cute.

Daryl should have his own show and it should be called "Brunt TV". It would be exactly like "The Prince Show" on SNL. He could have Nelly Furtado at his side to relay whispered messages to each guest. He would giggle at the guests answers, and break into tears at random. Then he would ask each guest to do something ridiculous, like play poker with a gorilla, or cover-up their blatant homosexuality. He'd finish each show with his rendition of "Tainted Love" and end it by flashing his signature uncomfortable smile.

I'm still sort of reeling at the fact that he got eliminated, I really thought he was going to make it to the Top 5.

Hopefully Melissa doesn't kick the bucket next week.

POP TV - The Last Grunt.

---


Daryl Brunt after being eliminated on Canadian Idol

POP TV - Brunt Given Brunt of Judge's Grunts

SASSQWATCH UPDATE!

Sass Jordan is a bitchy cunt. That's right, I said it.

Last night's Canadian Idol was infuriating due to the fact that they completely bashed the performance and physical appearance of Daryl Brunt. Sass Jordan - the bitchy cunt she is - referred to Daryl as a mix between "Peewee Herman and Jerry Lewis" attempting to sing a standard. The rest of the judges decided to jump on the asshole train and totally condemned Daryl in every way in a failed attempt to get him to cry on-stage and tell all the prepubescent girls that Daryl doesn't swing their way.

To a degree, the producers probably do not want another male to win, let alone another male who has a pinch of shyness with an effeminate stance ("I'm talking about Ryan Malcolm, Rose" as Dorothy would say).

If I have to hear another goddamn "I don't know what it is about you, but I don't like it" speech from the judges, I'm going to have to write a strongly worded letter to CTV telling them what they already know - that the judges are all idiots that skip constructive criticism in favour of useless self-serving comments about their shirt.

Case and Point - I watched Rock Star: INXS, and the judging on that show is so refreshing. Honest, hardcore "take home with you" advice for each contestant. And when the judges didn't enjoy the performance, they told them why. They knew why they didn't like it. No "I don't know"'s.

How did the others fair out?


Suzi Rawn - Wearing a frumpy dress and arm length gloves, Suzi decided to take the low and slutty road with her wildly loose movements. I understand her need to individualize a big band song with her "style", but she should have toned down her "rock star" antics and instead kept things a little more elegant and fancy. She was one step away from flipping her dress up, sticking her tongue out and grabbing her crotch, just like Ella Fitzgerald. Also notice how no one can spell Suzi's name right? All the signs in the audience were a mixture of "Suzie", "Suzy", "Suzee" and "Skank".


Aaron Walpole - This type of music was perfect for him. It tapped into his theatrical sensibilities. It was big and dramatic, like his all-bacon diet. I loved the dancing intermission where he swayed the mic, twirled around, and worked the stage. The last time I saw such fantastic acrobatics was at Seaworld.


Melissa O'Neil - She won me over last week with "I need a Hero". She continued to win me over with her performance last night. She looked like she was having a lot of fun, and was very comfortable. She rocketed her way up to my #1 pick. (Also, I chose this picture to represent Melissa a while back before I really knew what she was all about. I know now that Melissa isn't a pretentious bitch like Ashanti.)


Josh Palmer - I'm sorry guys, I don't get him at all. Why does he have to end every verse with a constipated look and a chipmunk-like vibrato? I don't call that artistry, I call that a need for laxatives. He managed to hit most notes last night, and it was probably one of his best performances. He will probably leave this week, or at least be in the bottom 3.


Rex Goudie - He proved his talent to me last night. He didn't scream or roar for the most part, and showed that he can actually hit notes without sounding like a dying horse. He needs to wear a suit more often, avoid getting wet and stop eating pizza after midnight.


Casey LeBlanc - That's right, folks - Casey cracked. Close to the end of her performance, she sounded like she just stepped on a cat. Her awkward hand movements were obviously added after she was told people would mistake her for a pine tree. But apparently lumber gets votes. We in New Brunswick love our forests, Casey, so keep looking stiff and lifeless!


Daryl Brunt - Daryl's performance was not bad at all, which is the opposite of what the judges want you to believe. It was charming, cute, and exactly what his teeny-bopper fanbase is looking for. And by fanbase, I mean people like this and this and this and this. He's speaking to them, and they're speaking back to him with votes. Fuck you Jake, Zack, Farley, and last and ALSO least, Sass - you bitchy cunt.

I think Casey, Suzi, and Josh are total Bottom 3 material at this point. I doubt Daryl will end up there because he got a ton of pity votes last night.

What do you think?

PERS - Really Personal.

Hey guys,

Just thought I'd let you all know (particularly those I work with) that I have taken a medical leave of absence due to stress for at least 6 weeks.

I have been feeling like I could not take another call for some time now (my series of depressing posts could prove that), but after returning to work from a long weekend and still feeling like pulling all my hair out and crying, I knew I had to get away from the job.

The truth is that I put a lot of faith in the "alternate" promotion I was given. I was convinced it would get me off the phone most of the time. It did not do this. 95% of the time, I am still on the phone. This is what started me on a downward spiral to madness.

I may have been able to be mildly content staying on the phone if the promotion never got in the way. Instead, it gave me false hope that I would be treated with respect, and gave me the wrong idea that I would be given at least a few hours a week just to remind me that I have been promoted. I was a fool to think this, apparently.

If I were off the phones and doing other things, I'd still be working.

Alas, here I am. Unable to work, pissed off at my employer, applying for EI, and contemplating what I wish to do from here.

On top of all of this rancid bullshit, after not getting any hours, I'm being told that the other alternate (who was promoted the same time as me) has now been in the department for 3 straight days, which just so happens to be the amount of days I've been on stress leave now.

In layman's terms, that's a big Fuck you, Daniel!

POP TV - Choo Choo Choose another blouse.

Chris and I were flipping through the channels a couple nights ago and stumbled upon this flashy number Elizabeth Choo decided to throw on before anchoring ATV Nightside, a late night news program in the Maritimes.

As she spoke about a man who was killed after his boat capsized, I was too incredibly distracted by the all too-revealing apparel graced by wildly flashy polka-dots. To top it all off, she has a hot pink spaghetti-strapped dress underneath - the transparent blouse was no match for the bright pink shining through.

Oh Elizabeth, you cheeky newsmistress, you!

Expecting to see the same strip show the next night, I tuned in to find she was wearing a smart, conservative dull pink tweed coat.

We get it, Elizabeth, you're "hip".

Now stop watching your Sex and the City DVDs and report the news*.


*I'm kidding of course, we need more of this sassy casual wear with all of our TV personalities. You heard me, Suze Orman!

PERS - Wow.

This nearly brought a tear to my eye.

Nintendo Acapella

POP TECH - Presidential Rag Doll

I was holding my breath for someone to take this Flash and customize it. Now I can exhale.

Based on the interesting physics-applying Flash animation Tetka or sometimes known as Bubble Girl, this one gives you the ability to throw around our favourite American president, George W Bush.

Enjoy as much as I have!

The George Bush Rag Doll

Also, upon checking my site statistics, I found that I misspelled Suzi Rawn's name. I said it was "Suzie Rawn". Because of this, I am the number #1 source for all information about "Suzie Rawn" according to MSN Search.

It's weird how the Internet works.