POP TV - Why don't we wuv one anuva!?!

After an interesting night of Big Brother 6, I watched the first episode of "Office Temps", a canadian quasi-reality/candid camera/punk'd show on Global where they put people into the role of office temp and make crazy shit up.

Tonight's episode involved a music company called "Deathskul Records", and two unsuspecting people were placed into the office and were given ridiculous tasks and asked to make decisions no one in their first week of working would make.

The reason why I bring up all of this is that there was a (fake) group they brought in called "Kink and Kat". The (fake) execs asked them to do a performance in front of the (real) temps. This allowed them to turn on the music (to which Kink lip synced all the lyrics...Kat had no singing parts) and perform one of the funniest (fake) songs I've heard in a while.

I wish I could have remembered all the lyrics, but I do remember some of the more hilarious ones (It's too new for any search engine to grasp). Just think of a sexually driven dancey r&b song with an overly-suave sounding guy singing...kind of like Rico Suave, except talking in baby or "elmer fudd" talk.

(He sounds very suave here)"Why don't we wuv one anuva?
Why don't we wuv won anuva?

(He gets loud and grovelly-sounding)"I gotta stay girl!
I gotta stay and get down dirty with my mamma!"

I don't know how well this translates to text, but I was laughing for 20 solid minutes. It was so absurd.

About 2-3 segments after that, they brought in a promotional cut out of Kink and Kat. It just had Kink holding Kat, with Kat's back completely turned from the camera, basically making her totally anonymous.

She was (fake) furious, and said that "That's not Kink and Kat, that's like, Kink and the BUTT." Hilarious.

Then they ended the show with the full "wuv" song playing while the credits rolled.

Overall the show was a bit boring and painful to watch at points, but I think they have room to roll out the "kinks" in future episodes.

But Kink and Kat are right, y'all, why don't we wuv won anuva?

POP TV - See ya later, Shaky McShakes!

LEITAO LEFT BEHIND TO ENJOY THE VIEW OF CRIPPLING FAILURE

(I know, this is rather belated. Well, stop complaining.)

Ashley Leitao, clearly reeling from the effects of Shaken Baby Syndrome, was not prepared to leave on this weeks Canadian Idol. Someone should have given this lady a paper bag. Not to stop the hyperventilating, but to put over her twitchy head. It was clear, by the vote, that the public did not want to see her anymore. On the positive side, she was able to stand on stage without collapsing or getting into an emotional catfight with Melissa.

Speaking of Melissa O'Neil, Zack was convinced that she was to be the next eliminated contestant, but Zack is also convinced that he is part of a panel of competent judges. Keep that in mind before you place your bets on his predictions, or any of the other ridiculously insipid Idol judges. And by "predictions", I mean "ambiguous comments toward all contestants."

Casey LeBlanc, once again, completely avoided the voting guillotine for another week, proving that all the Nackawic teens are phone sluts. That's right, you heard me, Nackawic High School! Your community wasn't kidding when they deemed your school "Home of the Nighthawks." I'm sure you all stay up at 1 or 2 in the morning to put your votes in during the West coast feed of the show. I'm onto you!

Looks like people aren't enjoying Josh Palmer's "rock star" antics anymore. Not that they ever did, considering he was a wildcard at best.

Now, I know what you're saying: "Clay Aiken was a wildcard, you meanie mean guy!" Well, while that might be true, there is one clear difference between the "Claysterino" and Josh: Clay can sing. Although I must say I would love Josh to sing "Addicted to Love" surrounded by a group of robotic-like, guitar-playing, foxy ladies.

And now you've just experienced the most obscure reference ever. Hint: They share the same last name. That's all I'm going to say.

SASSQWATCH UPDATE!

She's a complete idiot. That is all.

On an un-canadian idol-related note, I left a comment on a recent TVGasm post concerning Big Brother, since I'm pretty addicted to that show now. I'm the fourth comment down, and if you search for "Christmas" on the page, you will see that at least 2 people found my comment funny.

I'm currently mailing them my autograph and a lock of my hair.

Always gotta please the fans!

POP TV - Stevie Wonder must be rolling around in his future grave!

Has anyone informed Josh on the advancements in facial hair removal technology?

Note to Amber: Tell Josh all your secrets. He needs to know how you keep your beard under control.

Y'know, it's certainly a great thing that there are commercial breaks. Without them, Ben wouldn't get a chance to clean the shit off his face after shoving his head up each and every contestant's ass. His mother Mila made a guest appearance, even though she's probably disowned Ben years ago.

What is apparent is that the producers demanded that Daryl keep his "gay" off the camera. You could tell he wanted to wiggle his butt like Ricky Martin throughout the entire performance, but instead he made one awkward hip displacement maneuver, then did a shout out "to his peeps, yo." So long as prepubescent girls think he will marry them, then he still as an audience. However, adults can easily see that "straight" fits him like a size 32 pants would fit Aaron.

"What about poor, defenseless, charming Casey?" said NO ONE. The judges are right (for once). This girl needs to get out of her titanium-grade shell, and start singing as good as everyone else. Those country fair performances just won't do it.

SASSQWATCH UPDATE!!

Just when I thought I was going crazy, I realized the odd noises heard immediately after Melissa's performance were the atonal sounds coming out of Sass's mouth. Was she trying to impress people with her "talent"? She has proven one thing tonight: She can sing as great as Stevie Wonder can ride a bike.

I will leave the final words to the host of the show...take it away, Ben!

"Thanks Daniel. And if YOU want to see me deliver a poorly related line to the song this contestant just performed, send a letter into CTV and tell them how much you suck monkeyballs.

Mulroney OUT!"

POP TV - Worst. Arrangement. Ever.

EMILINATED!

Emily was the first one to be removed from the Canadian Idol finals, and rightfully so. Anyone who butchers a classic song like Roy Orbison's "Crying" should be barred from singing in public. I would have rather heard her sing "Patio Lanterns".

Yes, it was that bad.

Daryl continued charming us with his winning personality by bauling his eyes out, then scurrying off into a hole burrowed into the set. He's like that 4 year old kid you see in singing competitions who doesn't know why he's there, his parents probably pushed him into doing it, and will fall to the floor play dead if you threaten him. Ok, so that last point was a trait of a possum, but nonetheless, Daryl would do it.

Did anyone notice Casey's "I think Aaron is sexually harrassing me!" look at the end of the show? Everyone was embraced in a line as Emily sang, yet Casey just stood there, seemingly shocked that Aaron had his arm around her. When they huddled together, Casey was comfortable touching Rex, but once again, rejected Aaron's hug.

Don't worry Casey, Aaron may be a big buy, but he does not have a detachable jaw, and you're not small enough to be eaten whole. Well, two bite maximum, but certainly not all at once.

SASSQWATCH UPDATE

Sass Jordan chose a less revealing top for tonight's results show. Each twitch and arm movement caused her unmentionables to sway and jiggle on last night's program. "I don't know what it is, there's just something missing." Thanks for the philosophical insight, Sloppytits. I can tell you what's missing: Your bra.

That's all folks! What did YOU think?

POP TV - Ladies and Gentlemen...

Here are your Canadian Idol Top 10!









This season is shaping up to be as good as this year'sAmerican Idol!

Let the competition commence!

PERS - Could Rossy be anymore depressing?

Why does it always surprise me how gloomy Rossy is after I've visited it?

Chris and I received extended lunches, which allowed us to embark on an adventure into the department store/dust magnet. We were looking for things to add to our new apartment. When we found a couple things mildly worth purchasing, we found ourselves in the cashier's queue. Only one person was in front of us, however, we were there for a good 15 minutes.

See, the person in front was this very old man who hardly had the strength to stand. A 20-something girl, tanned and pierced to the nines, was manning the cash and seemed bored out of her mind.

I've been served by her before; she rarely smiles even after cracking a snide joke to the customers or fellow employees. This girl deals with seniors 99.9% of her shift as the mall Rossy is located in is a meeting place for hundreds of nearly-deads.

This set the stage for one of the most depressing, yet oddly humourous situations. The man, clearly flirting with death, was slowly placing his items on the counter. One of those items was a flowery cross not unlike the ones you see at funerals. Once he was finished, he reached into his pocket and put down a $20 bill.

After the girl rang in all of his things, she said "That's $26.47". The man, more animated than ever, reached into his pocket nervously, and began sorting out the change he had in his hand. As he realized the value of each coin he viewed, he would put it onto the counter. After about 3 coins were placed, the girl interrupted his math.

"You can put it on the counter and I'll count it for you", she said impatiently. He then threw the change in an almost grumpy manner, and stared blankly as she slid the coins rapidly towards her, accruing the worth of the items.

As quickly as she slid the final coin her way, she said "Got any more?" He murmered "Yes" and once again, reached into his pocket, and threw more change on the counter.

Almost as a courtesy, she avoided the larger coinage, and opted to take a ton of pennies, as if to save the man the burden of carrying such weighty copper.

When she finally had the amount owing, she rang it into her register, and when things couldn't possibly go slower, her till would not open. Thankfully, her supervisor was on hand to fix the faulty machine. The man stood there, thinking he still needed to be there. "You're good", she said insensitively, which prompted the man to scuttle off.

When Chris and I left, we spoke about how ridiculous the situation was, and I could not stop laughing. I was so zoned out at the time that I didn't see how depressing it actually was: A very old man in a gloomy and dusty department store buying a funeral cross - most likely for his dead wife - is rushed through a cashier line by a snotty 20-something, and has to resort to pocket change because he underestimated the cost of the items.

Wow. I would have cried instead of laughed if I wasn't so goddamned insensitive.

I also remembered that a few moments before we reached the cash register, we were in a small aisle when we obstructed an old crippled lady's path. She was trying to drive her cart past us when she crashed into a bristol board display.

Oh, the hilarity!

If you want to witness your own crazy depressing situation, visit your local Rossy!

POP TV - Still not conVINCEd.

I'm a sucker when it comes to rooting for the Maritime talent.

On last night's Canadian Idol, Saint John's Dianelys Hernandez got a final chance to shine. I think she has a real shot at the Top 10 if one of the requirements to succeeding is giggling near the end of a song. But seriously, hope she gets through.

The award for ugliest face made goes to Luke, who winced at the condemning comments of the judges. It was a unanimous "You suck" across the panel. They must have known he was not idol material when they saw he couldn't handle the weight of the mic in one hand.

Barrett got up on stage and made his plea to Canada through song. The truth is that he doesn't have the presence of a solo artist, but would flourish in an ensemble.

"Oh Barrett, I thought you were growing another dimple. Tee Hee!"
"Oh, Ben..."
"Look at that smile. Wow."
"Well thank you Ben. What are you doing after the show?"
"Something involving you, I hope..."
"How about dinner at YYZ and then coming back to my hotel room?"
"I've been waiting to hear those words since your first audition."

Sorry, my ability to channel other people's dreams is absolutely uncontrollable.

Anyway, it's no secret that Ben's love of Duracell's plastic family "The Puttermans" has manifested itself in his hair. It just doesn't move. EVER.

In other TV news, Big Brother was fairly interesting last night. Rachel uncovered a secret room after a camera feed was shown on the television in her Head of Household room. After spending 3 days staring at the screen, she snapped out of her stupidity and figured it out. You know the producers are desperate when they pull the Wayne's World "WHOAAAA" unnecessary zoom technique on a clue to get a point across. Rachel obviously wasn't worthy.

The whole group seems to be onto her because they found it oddly calculating that she wouldn't tell them anything about it until she found the place herself.

I've never watched much of Big Brother except for the first season, so I'm rather new to this "Golden Power of Veto" stuff. My first exposure to it was last night, and it involved the HOH also have the Golden Power of Veto. And from what I understand, this will only put a huge target on her back. All she can hope is that no one will want to hit the bullseye. This is one HOH that should stop the tricks to get money.

What did you think about last night's TV?

PERS - The wheels on the bus go...

This "writing on the bus" thing is getting a little tasking. Sure, I've done it several times in the past, but now all these distracting elements create a difficult environment for collecting thoughts.

Today, its a perpetually screaming baby. This one mother, possibly single, is controlling three children - all under 5 - and she does not look over 25. That's a sure ticket to a mental hospital.

Anyway, I called into work today hoping to get the day off without pay, which does not count against you in the scheme of things. Instead, they offered the first two hours of my shift off. I refused it as there was no bus available to arrive for that start time, and I was already quite awake and ready to go.

Yesterday was a very off day at work, and I realize that not all days are that harsh.

Working in a call center environment for 4 years has taught me one thing: I can't work for more than a year in the same center or I go nuts.

What is the bottom line here?

I will never have a decent career in a call center. NEVER. No one nabs a management position in a call center within a year unless 1) the center just opened, 2) you have useful connections within the company (aka your wife) or 3) you are a lesbian (aka your wife).

I can live with knowing I will never succeed in this "living in a pod" lifestyle because I know I will not be working here by the time 2006 has passed. I don't ever plan to work in a call center again.

And if I ever do, I will be designing their logo, and then getting the hell out of there.

PERS - Open hand over brow and then a sigh.

Over the last week or so I've been stricken with a very short fuse.

I just returned to work after having the weekend off, and I already find myself losing my sanity on the phone. So much so that I had to go home sick for the last half of my shift.

Is this the beginning of some sort of nervous breakdown? Is it bad enough to take stress leave? Will I not know until I've gone bonkers?

The work environment has fallen apart and is no longer a breeding ground for contentment. Instead, everyone is on-edge, the higher-ups are becoming increasingly strict, and they've ceased to let us know we're doing a good job. In other words, the place has turned into every other call center, which can only be compared to the light, free-spirited, uplifting mood of Nazy Germany.

My friends can attest that I didn't always feel this way about my job. I maintained a decent mood. Now I can't stop using sick time because even the little things bother me, which makes me believe I'm burning out and I should look into taking stress leave.

Searching for another job through the Internet just isn't doing it for me anymore.

P.S. I'm on the bus right now writing this (no surprise, what with no internet access at work). A ton of people just got on, including a morbidly obese 10-year old, and a mentally challenged kid who keeps making this loud, gutteral "Aaauugh!" noise.

To say the least, I'm now officially distracted.

POP TV - Idol Schmidol.

I've moved out of my shitty house and moved into a nice two bedroom apartment.

This is my excuse for not updating in a millenia.

My other excuse is the current restriction on all diversionary materials at work (no Internet, no books, no magazines, no games, no daydreaming, no non-business thought, no emotion, etc.). This cripples my ability to write any entries.

OK, enough sob story.

I must tell you that I've been following Canadian Idol this season. Nackawic Nymph Casey Leblanc had the nation behind her because of the hardships her town faced over the last year with their local mill shutting down. She claims to have entered the competition to give hope to her community, but the hard truth is that she doesn't want to go down with the ship. Expect her to use the "broken community" charm to claw her way into the Top 5.

This week's episode has left me completely confused as to who will advance to the Top Te...

Oh, who am I kidding, it was over for all the rest when the fat guy sang, and Suzi "Rawbones" Avril Lavigne'd her way into the finals.

Has anyone noticed that Sass Jordan seems to be dipping into Paula's "happy pills"? Is it now a requirement that the female judge be on crack?

I'm going to keep an eye on her and document it in a series called SASSQWATCH!

OK, don't hold your breath waiting for that one.

What are your thoughts on this season?