POP TV - Bo Bice Arrested for Being Sooo Sexy

Now that I've successfully made you throw up, I can continue.

Due to Blogspot being belly up in the modifying fishbowl, I wasn't able to post before the AI results show, and thus completely ruining your day, right? No? Not even a little bit? Anyways, you suck. Now on with the mini-synopsis!

I'm beginning to think that the mic stand Bo Bice uses is like some sort of life support machine. He has to take it with him whereever he goes, regardless of any innocent bystanders that might get smacked in the face by it (although I would love to see Nigel Lythgoe get beat down, his dancing is embarrassing). He has it on-stage, off-stage and *shock* even on top of the judges table! Oh, Bo, you rebel! Message to Bo: The mic works even when detached from the stand. I know, crazy, right? It's space-age technology, like scissors and a comb.

This week was just another "Sing whatever the hell you want, we won't bother challenging you by choosing only one genre" week. All the idols, with the exception of Constantine, safely went back into genres in which they were comfortable. Carrie and Jessica stepdanced back into country. Bo headbanged into rock. Nadia struggled through her sexual orientation, while Anwar scared me with his upper register in a good way, and frightened me with his lower register in a bad way. Nikko did his best "Cool Urkel" impression, while Anthony failed at his version of Clay Aiken (although his trach scar never fails to be constantly stared at by everyone). Vonzell continued to perfectly sing anything she sings, and Scott continued to prove himself to be the #1 cause of Erectile dysfunction and infertility.

The week ended with Jessica getting the steel-toed boot in the butt, making her the first man to get eliminated from the Top 12.

At present time, the people I could care less if they left are Scott, Anwar, Anthony, and Bo. I think Vonzell, Nadia, Carrie, Constantine, and Nikko would make a great Top 5.

Chris and I are both crossing our fingers for a mass male elimination!

PERS - Giv'ers of Life

The weekend passed with a few plot points along the way I went to visit my parents in my hometown of Miramichi for Easter as I had a semi-long weekend (only getting Friday off).

Oh, Miramichi. It's claim to fame is its salmon, its Irish festival, its military base, and its fully operational paper mill.

It's unfortunate that much of the Miramichi river is polluted, causing the salmon to be dangerous to eat. The main reason for the toxic water? The paper mill, which partially shut down recently. On one of Miramichi's water towers is a four-leaf clover and the phrase "Canada's Irish Capital", yet I've been to Toronto and Winnipeg, and when I mention Miramichi's Irish festival, no one heard of it. What do people vaguely know about Miramichi? Allan Legere and the lobster dispute at the Burnt Church native reserve.

Oh yeah, and the military base closed years ago.

When a town's only shining beacon of hope is the opening of a Wal*Mart, you have to wonder if there is any hope left at all.

I speak as a childless 23 year old, and a deserter of Canada's Irish "Capital". Sure, growing up in Miramichi was not a bad thing at all. Families looking for a place to grow would probably still enjoy it. Retired folk would enjoy the slow pace provided by it. There is simply no promise of a better life for me or anyone else who is in the middle of the road in their lives. Unless "better" to you means a life of alcohol, drugs, and endless barfights. You also get to choose the glamorous occupation of Shopping Mall worker, or a Call center agent for the worst company to ever exist. (That company is ICT Group, and you can ask anyone who worked there and they will wholeheartedly agree with me.)

The word "Miramichi" in MicMac means "Givers of Life". That is just too hilarious to leave out.

I actually had a good time when I was there. I socialized with the locals while maintaining a highly-tuned snobby stance about it all. I ran into high school classmates that never talked to me during those days, yet were happy as shit to see me presently. I'm sure you could relate to such a situation.

What I'm trying to say is that I grew out of living in the Miramichi. Its like the clothes that got too tight to wear, or the bed that got too small to sleep. The town drove me out with their disgusting homophobia, and I hate subjecting myself to it every time I walk into a bar or a restaurant or a park or a gas station in Miramichi. Afterall, the majority in Miramichi (who speak out) protest gay marriage, and demand that their politicians stand up for their rights to suppress other people's rights.

Why would I bother subjecting myself to such abuse on a daily basis?

That would just be silly of me.

POP TECH - Special Easter Edition: Fuck you, Google.

After 2 months of hosting advertisements on my website, and coaxed into thinking I was being paid for them, Google disabled my account just as it was reaching the payout amount. They amounted the shutdown to invalid clicks.

This is total bullshit. I had never clicked any of my own ads, and I am sure that every time someone clicked on an ad, the company's website was viewed. Isn't that the purpose of an advertisement? To get exposure, to be seen? To have your brand burned into the brains of those who see it? Maybe even make some cash in the end?

Well, I'm not even going to argue with the lifeless robots at Google, all I will get is automatic responses based on the keywords in my emails.

During this time, I also had to quell certain terminology in my entries just to please the electronic Gods.

Well, piss shit cunt motherfucker ass fuck dick bitch, I vow never to click on a google ad on anyone's website ever again.

Shove it, Google Adsense.

P.S. Happy Easter everyone! And if you're wondering where Mikalah's Bye-Bye bio is, which I'm sure you're not, I've decided to can hers because frankly, I don't want to ever have to write about her again.

And SCENE!

POP TV - For the first time in SuperMegaTomato history, a Do-Over Post.

Due to a technical error made on my Tuesday night post, I've decided to recap the entire post, but with some added commentary just to keep things fresh, and still readable. Sorry, but all your voting after last night's entry were completely worthless, and I can not refund the time you spent doing it.

After tonight's round of American Idol, I no longer believe that Carrie is a complete waste of time. She's got pipes, and when she came out with that Great Wall of Hair, I knew that something was going to work tonight, and that something was hair spray. Oh, and her vocals. Great job! And this will be the last compliment I give for the rest of this entry.

It was so true, this would be the last time I complimented anyone in the rest of the entry.

Paula Abdul - edging closer and closer to looking Vulcan - did her best Brigitte Nielsen impression, and single-handedly crazied up the show. One minute she's collapsing over Simon and Randy in a failed attempt to block their criticisms, and the next minute she's happily flailing her arms around wildly during the contestants' performances, as if to proclaim to the world that she still has the moves to compete with today's pop music artists. I'm surprised Seacrest didn't come to the desk and call her a botox-injected brown leather purse.

Paula was definitely on something that night, and we all knew it.

What is wrong with Ryan anyway? He made two very insulting digs at people tonight, one clearly scripted, and the other totally ad-libbed. (Of course, I can make all the digs I want because I'm currently not on national television.)

The first was obviously the age joke aimed at Donnie Osmond, lining up the amount of albums he did to how old he is (54 albums at 151 years of age). It was not funny. The comedy is in the numbers. 151 is just too high. 86 would have been perfect, and yet still incredibly insulting, achieving the goal Ryan so desperately wanted to accomplish.

The second dig was to Scott, who Ryan referred to the glasses Mr. Savol was wearing as being "greasy". Much like a heated curling iron set on some paper towels, you just can't do that! Oh, to hear Pat O'Brien say "What was Seacrest thinking?"

After much thought, I realized what Seacrest was thinking. He was trying to keep your gaze away from his horribly asymmetrical face.

Nikko decided to let things loose with his version of Sisqo's "The Thong Song". It was thoroughly touching. Ok, so it wasn't about thongs, but you have to admire a person for making the horrible mistake of singing a Sisqo song. Randy said that the audience is finally seeing "the real Nikko" - which apparently is a high-class pimp.

As mentioned by Jenn on this entry, adding silver hair into the mix would have completed the transformation from Bobby Brown to Sisqo.

I know you want me to comment on Nadia's performance, however, I've officially erased all memory of it. All I can recall is that it was a song I enjoyed, and I have the strangest craving to play Sonic the Hedgehog.

Nadia performed Tuesday night?


I wish it was as easy to destroy the memories of Mikalah's performance, who's voice cracked more times than eggs in the morning. I used to love her. Now I want her to disappear into the deep dark caverns that are Barbara Streisand's nostrils.

You know what would be hilarious? If Mikalah wore a t-shirt that acknowledged her annoying personality. Oh wait! She did that in the re-do with her "My job is to annoy you." t-shirt. Way to go Mikalah, now even the people that love you will hate you now, which totally helps my case.

So, without hesitation, I hope Mikalah leaves tomorrow. I really see no other person leaving.

Some thoughts never change.

As far as the Do-Over episode of American Idol, that was one hour of my life I will never be able to get back.

POP TV - Some inside information on The Insider.

What was Pat O'Brien thinking?

A witness says O'Brien actually licked co-host Nancy O'Dell's face at an "Access Hollywood" Christmas party.

If only the paparazzi were aggressive enough to catch such a moment in photos.

It gets much, much worse. Follow this link if you dare.

PERS - The Surreal Bus 3

Oh, what glorious theater I had the thrill of experiencing this morning on the bus.

This low-income and vulgar couple, who I often see on the bus, started bickering about some freeloader staying at their place who was not paying any rent. The woman was arguing on behalf of the guy, who had just came into Fredericton, while the guy angrily ranted that this person should get out, not without dropping the f-bomb at least 50000 times. I was embarrassed for them while everyone else appeared annoyed.

They chose to continue the conflict right until they exited the bus, which thankfully was only half of my commute.

If you want a more detailed visual, the woman had the language and appearance of a long-haired Brigette Nielsen, and the guy, noticeably shorter than the woman, looked like the Mic Mac Flava Flav. And although my back was turned to them the entire time, I think I heard them lovingly slapping each other hard in the face.

Oh, to experience love like that; it must be magic.

POP TV - Straight Up, Spock!

After tonight's round of American Idol, I no longer believe that Carrie is a complete waste of time. She's got pipes, and when she came out with that Great Wall of Hair, I knew that something was going to work tonight, and that something was hair spray. Oh, and her vocals. Great job! And this will be the last compliment I give for the rest of this entry.

Paula Abdul - edging closer and closer to looking Vulcan - did her best Brigitte Nielsen impression, and single-handedly crazied up the show. One minute she's collapsing over Simon and Randy in a failed attempt to block their criticisms, and the next minute she's happily flailing her arms around wildly during the contestants' performances, as if to proclaim to the world that she still has the moves to compete with today's pop music artists. I'm surprised Seacrest didn't come to the desk and call her a botox-injected brown leather purse.

What is wrong with Ryan anyway? He made two very insulting digs at people tonight, one clearly scripted, and the other totally ad-libbed. (Of course, I can make all the digs I want because I'm currently not on national television.)

The first was obviously the age joke aimed at Donnie Osmond, lining up the amount of albums he did to how old he is (54 albums at 151 years of age). It was not funny. The comedy is in the numbers. 151 is just too high. 86 would have been perfect, and yet still incredibly insulting, achieving the goal Ryan so desperately wanted to accomplish.

The second dig was to Scott, who Ryan referred to the glasses Mr. Savol was wearing as being "greasy". Much like a heated curling iron set on some paper towels, you just can't do that! Oh, to hear Pat O'Brien say "What was Seacrest thinking?"

Nikko decided to let things loose with his version of Sisqo's "The Thong Song". It was thoroughly touching. Ok, so it wasn't about thongs, but you have to admire a person for making the horrible mistake of singing a Sisqo song. Randy said that the audience is finally seeing "the real Nikko" - which apparently is a high-class pimp.

I know you want me to comment on Nadia's performance, however, I've officially erased all memory of it. All I can recall is that it was a song I enjoyed, and I have the strangest craving to play Sonic the Hedgehog.

I wish it was as easy to destroy the memories of Mikalah's performance, who's voice cracked more times than eggs in the morning. I used to love her. Now I want her to disappear into the deep dark caverns that are Barbara Streisand's nostrils.

So, without hesitation, I hope Mikalah leaves tomorrow. I really see no other person leaving.

What do you think?

PERS - ANSWER'D!

I'm too impatient to not uncover the answer to the previous entry's question.

Yes, to those who answered, they are all Buffys. Buffy my cat, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and that shoe is so shiny, it's all "buff"-y. I would also have accepted the following answers:

• are all quite capable of kicking ass
  
• stepped on by me at one time or another accidentally, metaphorically, or actually
  
• leathery skin
  
• is, or originated from, an animal
  
• can fit in a shoebox
  
• hate Mikalah
  

Thanks to all who answered!

POP TV - Triptych of Mystery

What do these 3 items have in common?

Talk amongst yourselves...then comment!

The answer will come in a later entry in the event that we're in an alternate universe where no one gets it.

PERS - How to Succeed in Life Without Really Trying

I'm forcing myself to write this post only because I haven't had a meaty personal entry in a while. Forgive me if this all sounds hollow.

I applied for a position within the company I currently work for after I job shadowed someone already in that department. It seemed interesting and I felt quite qualified for the position. It also would create a constant opportunity to get off the phone.

Yes, it may also remove the chance to go home early each day, but the only reason I request to leave is the fact that the job bores me, and at times is quite hard on the head and stressful. The stress comes with the repetition, and the repetition if often boring. This new job should adequately mix it up and break the cycle a bit if I get it.

In other news, my Winnipegean-boss-turned-Internet-chat-darling Denys has been working furiously on new music. He sent me a few demos, and they are very impressive IMHO. I wish I had his discipline to learn new software because it's the only thing keeping me from developing new stuff. If I ever get to put an album together I want it to sound high-quality, and not like the lower frequency tracks I created in the past. Deny's acoustic/electric electronic ventures really inspire me to kick my own butt into creative mode.

That's all for now, folks. The next post will probably pertain to *SHOCK!* American Idol!

Stay tuned!

Note to Matt: Aye-aye-AYE! Cuchi Cuchi!

PERS - ¡actualización fantástica!

CUCHI CUCHI!

¡Apesadumbrado para no ponerse al día, sino mí hará tan pronto con algo un poco más significado!


¡Traduzca aquí!

POP TV - The Bye-Bye Bio of Lindsey Cardinale

LINDSEY CARDINALE, from Ponchatoula, Louisiana, is the host of the popular daytime tv game show, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, and co-hosts The View on ABC.

One could ask why Cardinale would choose to take on a singing career when she has already been so successful in show business and journalism, especially when American Idol is on a competing network, but no one asked Ryan Seacrest the same question when he occupied every job in the entertainment industry last year, so she just went for it.

It is rumored that after a heart-to-heart conversation with her husband - who has been ravaged by the effects of Multiple Sclerosis - she decided that she had to succeed at a faster, nosebleeding pace, even if that meant wearing pantyhose AND underwear and possibly being rejected by the American Idol judges.

Fortunately, Randy, Simon, and Paula loved her, and she went on to Hollywood.

This began the arduous task of travelling from one side of the country to the other for both the taping of The View in New York and performing on AI in Los Angeles. Her hard work paid off when she made it into the Top 24.

Unfortunately, while she did make it to the Top 12, she was the first to be voted off on Mar 16th. Thankfully, she did not quit her day job, and still has her contract with Bayer, the painkilling and Nazi-supporting specialist.

PERS - Happy St. Patrick's Day

May the luck of the Irish crash down upon you like a bolt of lightning!

...that was a lot more unsettling when I was saying that line in my head.

POP TV - Weekend at Ruben's

I was obviously wrong about Carrie being eliminated last night. Lindsey really was the sure bet to leave, and Carrie's performance with the group was flawless.

As they were going through each contestant to see who would be in the Bottom 3, fast-colour-changing and incredibly annoying lights shone down on them, more annoying than any other season of AI. It was hard to watch and horrifying to see Scott's face up close. Throughout the years, American Idol has taught me that a person's anxiety can only be fully captured when you have a camera peering into their nostrils.

When Scott was informed he was not on the cutting block, he let out some sort of victory shout, not unlike the sound a resident of the Deep South would make after shooting an innocent raccoon. Memo to Scott: The "Dog Pound" doesn't exist anymore, please stop barking.

I was surprised to see that the rotting corpse of Ruben Studdard made an appearance on the show. He was so pale last night. It's amazing what 2 years of gushing sweat on-stage can do to your complexion.

One thing is clear: Mikalah is becoming the new darling of the FCC, possibly in a position to dethrone Janet. I'm sure her partial shout of the "F" word had Michael Powell taking out his spanking paddle, ready to strike at any time. While I'm not opposed to cursing on television, I am opposed to Mikalah's relentless pursuit to annoy the hell out of each and every viewer.

I will say that Lindsey's send-off performance certainly sounded fantastic on mute.

Stay tuned for Lindsey's Bye-Bye Bio!

PERS - New Pop Menu

To make things even easier for you to access the POP articles, I've compiled a list which you can access by clicking on "POP (Subcategory)" under the Menu Items on the left.

POP TV - The 60's. Also known by some educational institutions as a D minus.

Last night's American Idol started off last night with a bang with the final 4 battling it out to be the next Idol. Nadia blew the roof off the house, while Constantine and Anwar trailed closely behind her performance. Nikko was asked back and proved that he belonged there.

What's that? Oh, right. There were 8 other competitors still in the running last night. I forgot all about them. That is because they all blew hard. As the immortal former host of Access Hollywood Pat O'Brien would say, "What was Mikalah thinking?"

Pat's right, folks: What was she thinking? Most of the time she was performing her song, it sounded as though she was distancing herself from the microphone. This is probably a side effect of installing a new face. That girl's makeup styles change faster than Mario Vazquez's mind.

The most thrilling part of the night was actually off the air. During rehearsals, Ryan Seacrest was practicing the walk through the middle of the split screen when a set malfunction caused the screen to slam together, brutally cutting him in half. Thankfully, a team of surgeons were on set and, with the help of Mikalah's makeup entourage, had the host back in one piece by airtime.

What is my prediction for tonight's results?

Carrie will go home. The judges were right: She found her style. The crowd will love her when she performs at the grand opening of Wal*Mart in Fern Creek, Kentucky.

P.S. I don't know if it was just us Canadian viewers, or possibly just me, but the audio was delayed the entire hour last night. Everyone, including Ryan Seacrest, appeared to be pulling an Ashlee Simpson.

POP TECH - From a Sissy Fight to Defending Your Castle!

It seems as though my links to games were one of my more popular posts among friends, so I decided to compile a small list of games that kept me playing for hours.

Sissy Fight - You will hate the people that you will play with in this game. It's dirty, it's ruthless, and it involves schoolgirls fighting on a schoolground. You can't go wrong.

Walking in Circles - It is called "Walking in Circles" for a reason. You'll be doing just that as you figure out how to solve this puzzler.

Grow - another puzzle that requires you to perform each function in a specific order to complete it. You'll find many different ways this ball can grow, much like how your guys died in Hapland when you kept screwing up while swearing out loud.

The Mystery of Time and Space - This game is quite long, but it's really fun to figure things out. You'll run into a lot of strange things.

Defend Your Castle - If you're like me, you will easily get addicted to this game. Keep building up your army and your castle and um...defend it!

Enjoy these games, they'll keep you unproductive for hours on end!

POP TV - GAME OVER

I heard the news this morning that Mario Vazquez has left American Idol for "personal reasons" AKA just signed on with Jive Records.

I don't know if that is true or not, but I can only assume.

I never thought I'd have to do this so soon (or at all), but here is the Bye-Bye Bio of Mario Vazquez.

**

MARIO VAZQUEZ from New York, New York was created by none other than Shigeru Miyamoto, who also fathered Link, Zelda, and those funny little Pikmin.

Vazquez was exposed to music early on, mostly new wave music which was played in the neighbourhood arcades where Mario called home in the early 80's.

His big break in the entertainment biz came when his father Mr. Miyamoto signed him on to play the hero in the arcade classic, Donkey Kong. The game was well-received by the public, but Mario was treated unfairly on the set, being injured hundreds of thousands of times by barrels thrown by Mr. Kong. Regardless, it was Vazquez who the audience fell in love with.

It was only a few years later when Vazquez learned the tricks of being a solo artist after he was given the lead role in Super Mario Bros. The role would catapult him into an instant superstar, where he was on t-shirts, colouring books, and cans of pasta. His brother Luigi fell into a life of drugs and excess when the public shunned his presence, living under the shadow of his talented sibling.

His first taste of singing occurred when he sang the theme song for the Mario Bros. TV show. He knew at this point that he could no longer keep his speech limited to the phrases, "It's-a me, Mario!" and "Mamma Mia!"

He attempted to spark a singing career while juggling it with the fast-paced world of video games, but nothing seemed to catch.

It was in 2004 that a friend convinced Mario to try out for American Idol. He was hesitant at first as it would require him to jump out of the retro red plumber outfit and update his fashion. But with the help of his on again, off again girlfriend Peach, he found his new image and went with it.

The AI judges loved him and his history in the entertainment industry, and put him all the way through to the Top 24. Unfortunately, he withdrew prematurely from the competition on March 14th, 2005.

**

It's a shame to see Mario officially out of the competition, but a positive twist has been put on this story...




NIKKO'S BACK!

POP TECH - Hapland, Nanaca Crash!! and Customer Brain Malfunction

Try to figure out this puzzle. I didn't finish it without having to search for the solution on the Internet.

I also wasted my time on this game for a good while. It's pretty easy to figure out. It reminded me of a mini-game found on Super Smash Bros. Melee for the Gamecube, and is equally addicting to me. (My high score so far? 4523.82m)

I also got a kick out of these stories about customer stupidity.

PERS - Solving the Rubik's Cube

I feel like my blog is molding into something fairly entertaining to the general public. I came to this realization when a girl from Ohio posted a comment on my last entry. (Note to that girl: Thanks, you are also fantastic, and if you wish to comment again, then by all means...)

With this said, I've decided to label and categorize my entries. I'm well aware that strangers generally care less about what goes on in my personal life, so I've made it easier to find the content that isn't related to me, but more related to popular culture.

Not to play the role of Captain Obvious, but all posts labelled POP (subcategory) will contain mostly pop culture references; PERS entries will be the ones you'll skip over because they will be about how I hate/like my job/life.

Sure, I could create to separate blogs, but I'm too conceited to believe I'm not as important as that TV show I watch or the music I listen to, so my personal life will forever be blended with pop culture.

This is my own little version of TVGasm, or iTVGasm Mini, if you will.

Do I think it will draw hundreds of people to my blog? Heck no.

Does this new categorizing format make me feel productive? Hell yes.

Hope these changes make this place a little more enjoyable!

POP TV - Star Wars Saves The O.C.

Fox really knows where to place highly-anticipated movie trailers.

The O.C., a show watched by only a few people, was nearly close to cancellation until the Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Jedi saved it from the bowels of TV Hell. Fox's wildly popular drama House MD can't get ALL the attention, folks!

For all you people who were watching Joey, right before it came on, Corky from The O.C. appeared holding famous and beloved characters from the Star Wars saga, Jar Jar Binks and Queen Amulet. I was waiting for his fiancee Summer to come in and take his toys away, but that just didn't happen. Nonetheless, it was still a great way to segway into a moment of TV history!

While there were many scenes introduced in the trailer, they have not yet explained why Luke Skywalker goes over to the dark side. The people over there at Lucas Film Inc. sure know how to keep secrets.

Who exactly is Darth Sidious?
What role will Senator Palpatine play in this film?
Will Padme love the new Darth Vader persona?
Where the hell is Jar Jar?

So many questions that still need to be answered! I guess I'll have to wait like everyone else when it premieres May 26.

I don't know how it will top Episode 1, but I will cross my fingers!

POP TV - Ladies and Gentlemen...

Here are your American Idol Top 12.







It's a really diverse group this year, let's hope they blow the roof off the house!

POP TV - The Carmen Syndrome

Last night's American Idol had a some surprises, but none of them were happy ones.

Janay finally took that mask off from the movie "Scream" to show us what she got. Thankfully, she had nothing, except for an awful performance wrapped in a ball of pubic hair. (Did anyone give that girl a mirror before she went on-stage?)

The other major surprise was Mikalah's inability to knock my socks off. She shamelessly attempted to repeat the success she had with last week's performance by singing a down-tempo tune. Before this, I was convinced that she was destined for the Top 3. However, if she keeps this up, she might not even accomplish employee of the month at her local Blockbuster.

Who may take her place? None other than Nadia Turner, whose performance last night was perfection. She also gets bonus points for working that 'fro. Just having one is a plus in this competition, and when you whip it around, you are guaranteed a spot in the Top 3. Just ask Justin Guarini this week when you see him sifting through your trash on Garbage Day.

I will also mention that I finally saw the guy's night, and I'm shamed to say that Bo - while singing an incredibly overplayed tune for this competition - proved he had vocal talent with "I'll Be". It was interesting when Paula commented that...oh, who cares.

Who are my predictions of being eliminated tonight?

1. Janay. May I never have to see her scare herself through another song.
2. Lindsey. Why does it always look like she has been crying? Oh, that's right, because she's been rummaging through her purse for hours frantically trying to find her talent.

The guys are so much harder to choose.

3. Travis. His vocal performance will not be forgiven, but if he were on the cover of Esquire, I would buy that magazine. And I've NEVER even glanced through an Esquire magazine. What is Esquire magazine about, anyway?
4. Scott. I know I'm probably wrong here, but everyone else was really good, I'm just picking on the ugly guy. He would be lucky to make the cover of Boar Hunting Magazine.

Let's all cross our fingers and hope this Janay girl does not become the Carmen of this season. In case you did not follow Season 2 of AI, Carmen Rasmusen was -inexplicably - picked BY Simon Cowell, not the American Public, to advance to the top 12. She then - also inexplicably - advanced further than I would have ever imagined, beating high quality talent while bombing almost every night. I'd blame this on Simon's string pulling, but I have to go by the honesty of the show's producers, and blame it on the voting populace.

American public, don't let this happen again!

Seacrest out.

PERS - I feel the need to update.

...but I have really nothing to talk about.

As you can well imagine, it's hard to follow the last post.

Hey, maybe you could leave a comment asking me to write about a certain topic.

I'm up for anything (or at least I think so)! Yes, this is lame, but I am desperate!

POP MUSIC - That's a huge pile of jazz.

This week's SNL was a repeat, featuring Queen Latifah as the host and musician.

Her monologue involved a group of Scat people trying to get her to join in on the fun. In case you are unaware, when a person "scats" in music, they basically say non-sensical syllables in a musical tone, such as "bibbidy bop oh bumber bop oh nanny nanny skivity bop!"

During a conversation my friend Matt and I had tonight, we discussed this wonderful world of Scat. (The conversation has been edited and tweaked to make sense and to also be more effective. For the most part, it doesn't stray too much from how it actually went down. I think my editing has definitely allowed for an even flow of scat-related material. Oh...and yes, this will be my most tasteless entry I've ever posted.)

Matt says:
I think we should start a scat group... and scat in public.

Daniel says:
I would love to throw my scat around in public. I'm sure people would pay top dollar for it.

Matt says:
Thousands of happy customers can't be wrong!
Matt says:
Think people would pay as much for mine? Cause I've been filing it away in Jars for years... I store my music sheets in elongated jars so they don't yellow.

Daniel says:
There is nothing worse then jars of yellow scat. I don't think this scat thing is such a good idea, because I'm so much better at scatting than you are.

Matt says:
Don't make me bust some hot scat all over you, cause I will. If you challenge me to a scat-off, things could get pretty dirty. My scat flows like liquid.

Daniel says:
I'm ready and willing to bust my smooth-as-chocolate-milk scat into your ears.

Matt says:
Oh yeah? Well, my scat is so hot, it should be taken to a specialist and analyzed; bit by bit, under a microscope! But mine isn't smooth... it's actually a little street and a little gritty.

Daniel says:
Okay, I'm sorry for saying I can blow some scat better than you can. I'm just so passionate about my scat, that I want everyone to use every one of their senses to experience it.

Matt says:
When I'm getting my scat on in front of an audience, I like to think they could open their mouths and actually taste my scat... reach out and touch it even... I mean, my scat practically creates itself. Its all unexpected-like... and it just bursts out and infiltrates every fiber of everything it touches...and you can't get it out...even if you try.

Daniel says:
It's hard for a lot of people to have their scat sound like shit, though. It takes a real professional to be able to bust their scat right on target.

Matt says:
I find the best time to practice is in the bathtub. Hell, sometimes I just get the urge to scat at inappropriate times, like when I'm making love to my girlfriend.

Daniel says:
Really? How did she handle your scat?

Matt says:
She used to hate it... but she's used to it now. Sometimes she even joins in and scats a little herself!

Daniel says:
It's good to know you get your scat on with the one you love, even in the bedroom!

Matt says:
That's true, but scatting is also a family activity. My grandfather taught me how to scat when I was younger, but he's 93 now, and doesn't scat so well any more. He's lucky if he scats once a week.

Daniel says:
What a poor soul. I bet he gets really excited to see you scat right in front of him when you visit!

Matt says:
It takes him back to the old days. He drifts off into his imagination; you know that in his mind, he's thinking about dancing and singing his way through scat.

Daniel says:
Y'know Matt, all this talk about scat really makes me want to watch some old scat tapes. Have you ever searched the Internet for scat videos?

Matt says:
No! Let me go check!

Daniel says:
Sure!
Daniel says:
Hello?
Daniel says:
Matt, are you still there?

The following message could not be delivered to all recipients:
Matt, are you still there?

POP TV - Your next American Idol...

I thought Fred Armisen's impression of Camilla Parker-Bowles on SNL looked too similar to Janay Castine's impression of a singer, so I couldn't pass up the chance to make a side-by-side comparison.

Eerie, isn't it?

PERS - Did you cut your hair?

I present to you (finally) a semi-original design and a new title!

The whole "Dead Animals" heading, while a comical anagram to my full name, was rather strange and off-putting, so I thought it made much more sense to name my blog the same as my URL.

I say "semi-original" design because the code, for the most part, is from the original template I used to start this thing. The graphics are all my creation.

Hope you like it!

PERS - A Double Friday Feature

The day is young, but so far it's been a pretty rare one, psychologically speaking.

I'm not minding going to work as I usually am, AND the idea of going back to school is really looking good. Generally, I only have the urge to run back to school when I'm having a horrible day at work. But it was the view of the coffee shop while I was on the bus that really set my mind towards more education.

I left home early today so I could take care of some financial bid-ness. The feeling I experience after paying a bill or throwing money at my loan is rather exceptional bliss. Who needs marijuana when you can get high off a paid Aliant bill?

This all set me up for a positive outlook on things, and when I jumped on the bus and glanced out of the window, I saw a girl sipping on a coffee and reading a textbook inside Second Cup. The book appeared very large and boring, much like Ruben Studdard, but with talent. This led to me imagining the idea of reading an enormous text on Art History, and that thought became quite sexy. Considering I hate reading anything beyond a magazine or an internet article, this was a huge step forward.

Jeff's recent blog entry probably had a part in this idea that I need to improve my life. What I'm doing right now is not what I was expecting to be doing at the age of 23. Sure, I'm generally not depressed day-to-day about how my life is going right now, but I'm young, I need to accomplish something. Just SOMETHING. Well, something other than accomplishing another successful phone call.

Oh, and I shaved today, but I missed a spot on my chin. This is really annoying me. I'm going to go to the washroom now and see if it's really noticeable.

POP TV - ANWAR LOVES CHEESEBURGERS

I feel somewhat obliged to post another entry after those last two psychotic ones. I've been meaning to do this the last few days, but I never had anything very interesting to talk about. Has that changed?

Not really.

Although I will comment that it's sad to see Aloha being eliminated on American Idol. I have the right mind to start an anti-Janay website. She is 5000 times worse than Aloha could ever be with her overwhelming nerves, lack of vocal control, and that "Please don't take away my Chocolate Eruption Cheesecake, oh god please no!" look. That scary stare has been etched into my retinas. Thank you, Janay, I will remember you for years to come.

Actually, I've already forgot about her. Ahh, reality television. First you forget their names; soon after you forget they exist. Although I think that Luigi Vazquez kid really has a shot.

One name I'm having trouble forgetting is ANWAR. Who names their child that? It sounds the name of a monotonous-talking robot from outer space. I AM ANWAR OF THE PLANET WEIRDUS JACKETRON. I COME TO BRING PEACE, SONG, AND BAD FASHION SENSE. GIVE ME YOUR ENTIRE STEVIE WONDER LIBRARY AND I BE FORCED TO SING ONLY HIS SONGS FOR ETERNITY. ANWAR OUT.

Next week's elminations better include Janay and "Beep Bop!" Bo Bice. Yes, I know, Bo will not be leaving anytime soon unless he tries a NON-HEADBANG ANTHEM. What week will he be eliminated? The first non-rock week. Although I would enjoy watching him whipping his hair around through an Ella Fitzgerald classic.

It should be an interesting Top 12 this year, nonetheless.

PERS - Tiny update.

Well, I am feeling a little better now.

I didn't sleep very well last night, and I know that I can't go another day without getting a full night's sleep.

I feel like a zombie today, without the craving for human flesh.

It doesn't help that it's snowing like crazy outside and I was forced to go to work today due to team meetings.

Blecch.